I’ll start off by saying I’m a bit of a pacifist. A
realistic pacifist who understands that asking for the abolishment of the 2nd
Amendment is like asking for a tornado, a hail storm, a blizzard and a raging
fire to come down and engulf the land all at the same time, when really, all I
asked for was a sunny day. Simply put, I know it would bring the opposite effect of
what I wish. I have no interest in abolishing the amendment, nor do I think all
gun owners are evil, nor do I think all guns are intended for evil. Not at all the case. I think guns for sport are one thing, but I'm having a hard time understanding why any civilian would need an AR-15 to shoot a deer. I would say
that some of us are choosing to have this conversation right now and it feels
like running into your ex at Target. It’s uncomfortable and awkward and we find
ourselves confronted with something that we prayed we wouldn’t
have to see again. I know the ex imagery is weird, but just help me here. I’m
stumbling through this just like many of us are.
Look, I’m tired of not REALLY knowing certain laws that are
on the books and the restrictions and the state-by-state caveats and the
licensing and the time frames for background checks…the things that pave the
way for us to get to this point. The point where you wake up on a Sunday
morning and have an update on your phone from CNN or you get a text from your
friend in all caps who has already heard the news or you have a moment of silence
at a public arena just days after a crisis…what about the before? I am on a
quest to educate myself, because I was raised to believe that education
empowers you and allows you to understand vantage points that you would rather
just dismiss and be vehemently against.
Last night, I hopped in the car and drove to a place that I
thought was the best place to start. I drove to…a large retail store. I knew it
would be here that I would get a straight answer to the questions that were
constantly jamming my mind for the last few days.
I knew this place offered guns but I was fuzzy on the
details. Like, how much harm are we talking? And with what speed? And with how
much access? My throat started to close as I walked in the door. I can walk in
here and buy shampoo and apples and gummy bears (DUH), but guns, too? This has
got to be bogus, I thought. Surely, my perception is wrong. I walked back to
the sporting goods section and when I came up to the counter, I read the age
restrictions on the guns/ammo purchases. Ok, my perception wasn't far off. Then I felt them behind me, with a chill going went down my
spine. You know when you’re at the zoo and you unfortunately meander into the
snakes wing, but you don’t know it until you turn around and one’s just taking
a nap against the glass? That’s the same feeling I felt when I knew the guns
were behind me. Look, they were pellet and air guns, ok. However, in extreme cases,
I discovered that they can kill. A sales rep came up to me and asked if he
could help. “Oh, I’m just shopping," I said. WHAT. FALSE. Clearly I had no idea what to
say. Fact is, I was nervous to start the conversation. He was an older
gentlemen and he made some harmless banter. He waved his finger at the snakes,
er guns, and said, “I don’t have any of this. What I own can kill.” OH REALLY, SIR. Good. Good. We’re off to a good start. He left and came back. This time
around I was ready to talk. There was a pause and we were just standing there
staring at the rifles and then we started talking about nearby gun stores. He
suggested I go to the gun show (Yes. It exists.) that happens once a month at
the fairgrounds. Now. If the thought of seeing pellet guns in a glass case
feels like a snake exhibit in a zoo, a gun show is Indiana Jones in a snake pit.
My personal hell. He said that as a lady, I should look for a .380 for protection.
(No, but thank you.) As he’s saying all this, I’m biting my bottom lip to avoid
making a look of disgust. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was talking to
a pacifist and that all this is wasted encouragement. Then I got a little bold.
I started asking questions. I asked about background checks. It’s 10 dollars.
The wait? About 30 minutes. SIR, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Hold up. I’ve had oil
changes that have taken longer. I’ve sat in stop-and-start traffic longer. I
HAVE GONE ON BAD DATES THAT HAVE LASTED LONGER than getting the background
check done to purchase a gun. I can rationlize that this is the amount of time
it takes to get any background check, true. But like….there’s no wait period.
Maybe it’s because I have red hair or something? No. No, it’s not. That’s how
long it takes, period. For you. For me. I know in some cases it can take days, but
up to 3 days or so. 3 DAYS. I didn’t even carefully phrase this next question
for him, but I asked about mental health screening. He said they might ask a
question, but what crazy person would actually give that information? He then made
a “crazy” face while signing an imaginary piece of paper. I think I laughed out
loud at this point, but I can assure you that it was laughter coming from a
place of total discomfort. At the
end of the conversation he said, “I’m supposed to say that guns hurt people.”
And then he paused and said quietly, “But people hurt people.”
While I appreciate his tone, the fact is AR-15s kill people.
Like, a lot of people. Also, I now know AR-15s are legal in every state with certain
exceptions. Hate is hate and people will express that hate in horrible ways,
but it’s clear that, in extreme cases, this weapon is used as a
vehicle for that hate. I take serious issue that these weapons are even
available to civilians. It’s ludicrous. I think that, if I’m lucky enough to
have had gun owners read this crazy long blog (OMG, THANK YOU!!!), then I’m
sure I’ll get schooled about things I’ve written. If that’s the case, so be it.
I’m opening myself up to it, but that’s a painful truth about all this. I
actually, legitimately WANT to know how on God’s earth we got here. How we
reached this point of rationalization and acceptance for the ability to kill at such high speeds in such a short time. I'm not talking about the handgun used to protect yourself or the rifle you take to shoot the deer to then enjoy with your family and freeze the rest for springtime. I'm solely talking about the guns used to do the most amount of disturbing damage in a short amount of time. I also learned that databases aren’t
talking to each other. You’re flagged over here on this database, but your
indiscretions that light up someone’s screen in one agency aren't flashing red
on another. Yes, people steal guns and blow the whole database rationale out
the window. I get it. I’ve gone ROUND like a carousel about how evil people
will do evil things and we can’t stop it and choices are choices and this is
absolutely true. There are some hurting people out there who do despicable acts
against humanity and show hate in abominable ways. I’m just…I’m just tired of depending on sensationalized
reporting for the facts. I’m a self-admitted CNN junkie who just got to a place
where I want to understand the scope and size and facts behind how we all get
to the devastating notification on our phones. I’ve prayed and prayed, but at
some point, the prayers must join with action. One of these days I will walk into a gun shop and stand in the middle of the snake pit and see more and learn more and ask more. The men or women behind the counter are trying to earn a wage and feed mouths just like the rest of us, so there's a level of decency and respect and civility that can be had. I don't have to agree to learn and understand. If anyone would like to join me as I learn, then lets do this together. It's a whole lot easier to go by hearsay, especially when tensions and emotions are so high and so raw. This is the only thing left I know to do.
